Monday, January 7, 2013

What's on My Mind


Seriously.  My posts have been pretty serious lately.  A few months ago, I read (and shared on facebook) the following:  Inner Monologue of a Spin Class Student.  It made me laugh, remembering the days of being a student and, now, re-visiting that perspective as an instructor.  So, I was bored (a fleeting feeling that must be grabbed when it arrives) and decided to give it my own twist.  I offer my advance apologies if anyone has already done it, if I offend anyone, or it just sucks. Also I'm not looking for any responses from my students (please).  I'm just looking to lighten it up a bit and hopefully elicit a few hundred smiles.  Welcome 2013.  I hope we'll be friends.

Inner Monologue of an Indoor Cycling Instructor Me:

Yup, I'm gonna' kick this class' ass.  I wonder how many bikes will be filled.  Last week's numbers were pretty good.  Why isn't anyone here yet?  Is there something going on with the kids?  Is it camp visiting weekend?  Do I suck?  Shit.  What if last week sucked?  What if all those mash-ups were NOT a good idea.  Note to self:  classic rock.  Classic.Rock next week.  Yeah.  Oh wait, phew.  Here they come.  Sa-weet.  Bikes filling with regulars.  Nice.  Hello.  Hello.  Did last week suck?  No?  Good.  Great. That's great.  Seriously, how many times have you taken my class and you STILL need me to set up your bike for you?  But I still love you, I really doooo.  Ok, two minutes 'till class starts, strong riders up front.  Yeah.  This is going to ROCK!  Uh oh.  2 newbies. I love new students, but I hate set-ups.  I hate hate set ups.  I hate hate hate set ups when my class is JUST about to start.  Even better, first time in cycling shoes.  Can't clip in.  Where the hell is someone to help me set these guys up? Come ON. Now my class is starting late.  I HATE starting late and I HATE that some people have been here for 10 minutes and now I'm starting late.  Oh good, help has arrived.  Thanks.  SO grateful.  Cue warm-up music, safety check (I feel like a flight attendant), give a run down of the profile and hit the road.  Awesome.  Everybody looks awesome.  I love these people.  Clipped in, feeling good.  Wait.  Ugh.  Should not have done that last tequila shot last night.  Nope.  Should not have. Note to self: no tequila the night before teaching and no garlic either.  Crap.  Don't breathe on the person in front of you.  Don't spit either.  Gross.  That was gross.  Stop thinking about gross things and teach the class.  Am I BOUNCING?  Add resistance.  Do I have too much inappropriate cleavage today?  That's bad.  Nope, all good...I think.  Crap. This song SUCKS.  Note to self: Don't use this song again.  Quick, think of something fun to do to distract them from this AWFUL song.  What was I thinking?  It sounded so much better in my headphones at home.  Turn, turn, lift, sit, turn, turn.  Damn, I'm so glad I'm on a RealRyder®.  What would I do if I had to teach on other bikes?  What would I do if I couldn't MOVE the bike?  Ugh.  These runs are hard.  My quads are on FIRE.  Damn you RealRyder®. Time to hop off and do some coaching off the bike.  Yeah.  All good. I love when the class turns in unison.  They look so cool.  Even the newbies are doing awesome.  I knew they'd get it.  They've even started to stand up.  Give them some love. I feel like a proud momma.  I am a proud momma.  What do my kids have going on this week?  Ugh.  How am I going to get everyone where they need to be and work at the same time.  Ummmm your CLASS?  Oh yeah, I'm teaching class.  Haha.  Don't worry, I'm back.  Shit.  I just said turn to the windows when I meant (and pointed to) the wall, AGAIN.  They think it's funny. I don't.  Well, it really is, but why do both words have to start with W anyway?  Anyway.  Did I just SAY THAT??  OMG, did I just say that last thing OUT LOUD?? *blushing* Taken out of context, that sounds HIGHY inapproprate.  The front desk is probably laughing their asses off and Kim is going to comment about it.  Don't look at her and STOP laughing. It only makes it worse.  Are her boobs fake (not Kim's)?  He's cute.  Married.  Why does he ride with so.much.resistance every.single.time?  And that one, he's too damn fast.  God, I hope he doesn't unclip.  Say something general and see if it helps.  Aaaaand....nope.  Cadence check?  Ick.  I hate cadence checks, but they are helpful.  Alright, a quick one. But the next class I'm doing a whole section on cadence...AND Tabatas.  Damn,  I'm sweating. A LOT.  Drink something.  You should probably wash this mic windscreen.  Soon.  Wait!  This song is AMAZING, bilssfully perfectly amazing, like it was created just for ME and my classes.  Don't sing.  Don'tsingdon'tsingdon'tsing.  Holy shit, no, the room is literally vibrating with energy.  And that last breakaway I threw in was accidentally perfectly timed with the music.  I LOVE when that happens.  I'm so good I didn't even plan it and it STILL happens.  Endorphins are better than tequila.  Fuck yeah.  This is why I do this.  Breathe.  Remember that time that student yelled out, "this is better than ecstacy?"  Yeah.  You need to use that song again.  Soon.  Was this too hilly?  Who cares, we're pushing through it in a beautiful unison of energy, bodies and sweat.  Crossing the finish line and everyone did such an amazing job.  I love my job.  I couldn't do it without the amazing energy of these people. It's like a give-and-take...you know? I know you know.  Just don't talk during the stretch and we'll be good.  Inhale your arms up overhead, exhale them down, inhale your biggest breath of the day and acknowledge all the hard work you did today.  Exhale.  Clap. Clap. ROCK.STARS.

And a playlist:


xo Jen


3 comments:

chrispins said...

You definitely DO rock! That was hilarious! Love the playlist too. Last song-Walking In Memphis-I love Marc Cohn. Thanks for sharing!! :)

Annette said...

Brilliant! Love the busy dialogue in your head. I can relate. Thanks for sharing.

Off the Bike said...

Thank you both! -J.